.......so I was thinking........

I first wanted to speak to the fact that it may look like the Devil Rays will not win the World Series. I have not given up on them, but they did lose the 3rd game last night significantly in Phiilly and it is too cold to be playing baseball, everyone knows this. I am very proud that they have done as well as they have, and to have even lost the world series is certainly a feather in their caps. I'm not sure the players, owners, and other fans will feel as I do, but if you look at the big picture and understand that last year they were the worst team in the league and this year they were the best......well, putting all things into perpective, it is amazing what they've accomplished. So I say to them, good job! What is a shame is that in three years you will not recognize the team because of what money, greed, and free agency has done to our sports teams in general. Its just hard to get all warm and fuzzy with a team these days when you never know who will be playing next season. What someone in the front office seems to be forgetting is that fans don't fall in love with the logo's, we fall in love with the players.

I was talking with a friend this weekend about dogs and how nice it would be if there were enough puppies raised for the blind program. There always seems to be a shortage and I'm not sure exactly why except that perhaps maybe families are not willing to give up the puppies after the year or there isn't enough sponsorships for the recruitment. We were talking and I had suggested that new recruits when they graduated from military bootcamp could be issued a puppy and they could raise, train, bond, and socialize in accordance with the standards set up by the association with said puppy. I thought this to be a terrific idea. It seems to me that for many new recruits they are looking for something and maybe bonding with a soft furry animal might just fit the bill for them perfectly and keep them out of trouble. Perhaps I will write this suggestion down and send it in to the pentagon, I'm sure they are always looking for suggestions.

And finally, If you can't tell already, this column is my way of giving you a little halloween Trick or Treat! This last piece is as true as true can be. You can't make this up, and I do have a photograph to back it up. I went to my favorite chicken place the other night to pick up something for dinner. True enough, fried chicken is my weakness. Spicy breast, biscuit, and sweet tea. After too much discussion as to if I wanted to turn this into a meal or not, I sat in the car and read the little sign posted beside the drive-thru window. It seems that my chicken place is offering coupons on line. What they did not do is proof the sign before they printed it and hung it in every window across the nation. Oh I began to laugh hysterically, as only I can do, and the guy came over and asked what was wrong with me. I pointed to the sign and he hung half his body out the window to read it.......called another guy over to do the same....and another......and another......and another. He gave me my chicken and I drove away still laughing so hard I could not speak....and in my rear view mirror.....I saw him wave goodbye to me.....his huge smile showing a mouth filled with the whitest teeth I've ever seen.....yup he was laughing too! It seems I can have my chicken with a only a few mouse dicks!

Happy Halloween readers. As always, look for the unexpected!

.......so I was thinking........

It's time that I introduce someone to all of my readers out there, he is very special to me and its unthinkable that after almost eight weeks together he hasn't come up in our discussions. I love him beyond words, beyond description, beyond measure. And yes, I realize that is not a good use of grammer. However, I was going for impact. Because that is exactly what he did to me. We met a little more than a year ago and the impact he made on me has more than changed my life, it has made me look at things in an entirely new way.

At first it was his looks, but over the last year those have changed a little. He is still good looking, but it is true what they say, men do become more handsome the older they get. His piercing blue eyes and blonde hair mimic my own in a way that sometimes makes me think he is almost my own shadow. His smile can cause me to melt or bring tears to my eyes and when he wraps his arms around me and holds on to me tight, it is as though nothing in the world can seperate us or tear us apart.

I am not sure exactly what caused the bond between us to grow so strong, it simply is there, and I try not to question good things. We don't talk alot about it or anything really but we do hold each other alot. Touch seems to be our best form of communication. When we sleep together, which isn't nearly often enough, he constantly moves so that his hand touches me or a foot or part of his leg and I find myself doing that same thing so that we are never without that connection.

Our time together is always brief, and often he doesn't want to leave me although he does. I know that soon this phase will go away completely and eventually he will forget me and later on I will be forgotten about all together for someone else. You see he is my friend's son, and I was there when he was born. Oh, I intend to be a part of his life, his favorite "Aunt" perhaps. I will dance at his wedding, hold his son one day.....watch him become a man. I'll never let him go. His love resides within me and I honestly believe that mine resides within him.

....so I was thinking

I'm not exactly sure why I wanted this blog to look different from the rest, but I did, and I do. Perhaps it's that I feel different, not totally myself lately, but that is a different story altogether. What I was thinking about recently is the stages of just growing up. How all at once you realize that you just don't belong at home anymore. Sure you go back for visits because you miss the family, the aroma of your favorite foods, the sounds of the early morning, and then it happens. You are standing in the the middle of the kitchen and you can't find the glasses. You open one cabinet and then another to no avail becoming more and more frustrated. This is home and you are suppose to know where the glasses are, but you put the milk back on the shelf and close the door and walk away............to think.

Time has a way of changing things and people. Your friends, they just aren't the same either. They do things differently, or is it them or is it me that changed? Or did they stay the same? Why did I leave home in the first place? I wanted to see the world, experience new things, believe that there are possibilites beyond that of the small scope of my village. My friends are still seeing life within the confines of the pair of glasses they were issued in junior high school. I'm wondering what they are waiting on, when they will venture out into the world or even if they will.

A friend of mine and I talked about this once. He had been far away from home and was back for a visit and found himself lonely although he was surrounded by his childhood friends. He could not relate to them any longer in the same way he could before he left. They asked rediculous questions like, did you kill anyone or did you see dead people. "How do you answer that," I'd asked him. "I didn't." he simply said. It's ignorance mostly, not hurtfulness that anyone would ask such a question; they are simply out of touch.

You change as a result of what happens to you when you leave home. But in some absolutely unexplainable way home just doesn't change. It's like a time warp for everything except the glasses. I can't find the glasses. Somehow, I think to myself if I could just walk into the kitchen and pour a glass of milk without searching for the glasses, everything else would fall into place.

....so I was thinking

We all have relationships. Whether it be romantic, parental, professional, with co-workers, siblings or friends and family in general. How we handle these relationships says a lot about us as individuals. Most will agree that the stress we feel in our lives comes from these relationships. It can be good, bad, and ugly because of the expectation levels that each place upon us.

The professional and co-worker relationships bring fourth the most minimal amounts of stress for me. Sure, there are times that I’m stressed to the max about deadlines placed upon me by others, but I found my voice and ability to say "No" recently and having that has subsequently made me learn that most of the stress is placed by me and not those around me. Sometimes these relationships provide humor in the office and if you have a solid basis with these people everyone can loosen up and have a good laugh. For instance, the other day our receptionist was making coffee for the office and for the second day in a row she had mused that the coffee grounds seemed to have just disappeared from the little white filter, and for some reason the coffee pot seemed to be working rather slowly. On the second day I went in to look at what she was talking about (mostly because I wanted a cup of java that morning) and sure enough I confirmed that the grounds in fact had disappeared. I asked her what coffee she had used and she handed me the jar and I immediately knew the answer to this riddle. You see, my first inclination was to roll in the floor laughing but I was sensitive to our work relationship. I asked her to read the label on the jar out-loud. "Instant" was the key word and after she read that I literally saw the light bulb go off in her head and we had a really good laugh together. We had built enough of a rapport with each other that we were able to laugh at this silly and hilarious mistake.

Parents, family and sibling relationships are much more convoluted; sometimes even torturous to manage. In every family there is always the youngest child, the slow cousin, the person that is easy to make fun of or knock down at every turn. On the other hand this group should be the ones who will fight any fight for each other no matter what; although when the door is closed the tables often turn and the weakest is again the target for the free-for-all. The old saying "you can chose your friends but not your family" stands true and most of us just put up with whatever the family dishes out until we are old enough to make the choice to cut ties or fight back.

The romantic relationship is the one that you should (and probably do) receive the most from. This is the person who feeds your ego, restores your soul, and basically keeps you going after dealing with all the other day to day relationships. I once told someone very important to me that my idea of a romantic relationship was very simple. When I find this one true love I will promise to stand behind him, to support him and his decisions, dreams, and ideals. I will stand on his right side as his friend and confidant and on his left as his advisor and conscience even when he didn’t ask for my opinion. And, always in front of him to guard, protect and shield him from any harm within my power.

Of course, all of this brings me to my point. That point is that we all build up a sort of savings account with those whom we build relationships. We make deposits with trust and good feelings; withdrawals are made when we screw up. Its really as simple as that. An invisible account that goes up and down at a moments notice and at times when we have no idea what we did or did not do. Occasionally we go bankrupt, and poof ! it’s over, done, final, account closed. If we are honest, we can all admit that this has happened to us or we’ve been guilty of it. I try though to take inventory and give an account statement to those who I care the most about. If that person is running low on deposits I find a way to tell them. In some strange way I rather expect that they do that with me as well. Its like a thermostat that I like to keep on a nice even keel of 98.6 degrees, or a bank account that always has a nice working balance.

What would your emotional bank accounts reveal if they underwent an audit?

....so I was thinking

About the simple pleasures in life. Sitting around in just your underwear while watching mindless television and eating ice cream straight from the box. Or a drive-thru burger topped off by the simplicity of a fried apple pie. I really could go on and on about these simple pleasures including how the grass smells just after it's been cut, or the way an orange smells when you begin peeling it with your fingers. And, for me, hearing the national anthem at the beginning of a football game still brings tears to my eyes each and every time.

When we become complacent with our lives and take things and people for granted, it is these pleasures that should remind us what life is all about. Whispering secrets in the dark to someone you love more than yourself, or laughing at a stage comedian until you think you'll pee your pants. It is what I like to call hope. Hope that no matter what tomorrow brings, there is always something to be appreciated.

I once sent a brand new baseball to a friend of mine for his birthday. He had been deployed to Iraq and I knew he was lonely and a little sad at spending this day without family and friends. When he received it he laughed and as soon as he could he wrote to me and asked why a baseball? Well, my answer was simple. I didn't send him the baseball to play with but only as a reminder of home and of happier times of his youth. I asked him to hold the ball in his hand and close his eyes and try to recall the last time he played in a game. As he did, he wrote to me everything that he remembered. The crack of the bat as it hit the ball, the smell of his leather glove, the excitement of the crowd and seeing his family in the stands cheering his team on to victory. His senses became full with these memories and then he knew why I sent him the ball. It was reminder for him, that although there would be no baseball game for him today he had hope that there would be again soon. We talked often while he was away and I'd occasionally ask about his baseball, and every time he'd tell me that it was sitting right beside his computer and that when he was feeling lost or homesick he would hold it again and feel the hope that it evoked in him.

We all need hope. We need to believe that one day our dreams will come true, that our government might know what it's doing, and that surely global warming won't take my beaches away from me. Hope is small word with big meaning. Different for everyone, yet the same. I challenge you to look for the little things in life; the simple pleasures of true happiness.

....so I was thinking.....

Self improvement. Just the words can bring fear to me because it is associated with the acceptance that I am not what I should be or could be and that is an admission of fault or failure. I had the opportunity to listen to a self described motivational speaker yesterday and while most of the sixty or so minutes that it took were used to multi-task, I did listen to what he had to say. A very close friend of mine does a lot of these self-help things as he is always trying to better himself, always seeking out new ideas to guide him through life. And, this caused me to question my inner self.

If I am to acknowledge one of my least favorite traits, it would be managing my emotions under pressure. My usual way of handling deadlines or pressures from my education or career commitments is to procrastinate. And, then when the deadline is ticking, I seem to be able to pull from deep within and complete the project or assignment. After having done this more times that I can count, I have come to accept it when perhaps I should seek to improve the behavior.

Procrastination along with other similar habits such as overreacting emotionally, disorganization, and avoiding conflict all lead to feelings of being overwhelmed, loss of self-esteem, and a general lack of motivation. It is a bitter circle and a behavior that, according to all the experts, can be modified. Of course the key elements would be self-discipline and emotional control and a nominal fee of $99 plus books, tapes, and other essential “tools” produced by the founder of this particular organization.

I’m just not sure that spending a hundred plus dollars would convince me to change. I have gotten used to the way I operate and for those around me who tolerate me or accept me for who and what I have become, I am grateful. A close friend of mine once said that my randomness, ability to move from one subject to another without building a bridge, and even the occasional melt down were all endearing qualities. It is what makes me different from the average person who seeks only to be normal; or society’s version of normal.

Naturally some things can be counted on, without fail. The tides will come in and go out, the moon will rise out of the darkness and the sun will set in the horizon. I on the other hand look for the unexpected and occasionally find signs that could so easily go un-noticed. Confetti made from the petals of a dogwood flower blowing in the wind or a spider’s web so large that it took me by surprise or the sight of moss dangling from a grand old Oak tree are all tiny ways that prove that even in nature all hasn’t conformed.

Much like the snow flake, people are all different. In size, complexities, temperaments, and habits. Perhaps we should concentrate more time in acceptance of our differences rather than pushing everyone to modify to the perfect model of an unrealistic and pretentious society of drones. Some of us will continue to question the ‘norm’ and color outside the lines; avoid the self-help seminars and sometimes accept that being overwhelmed is a part of life. Blowing a deadline isn’t always the end of the world; they are after all imposed as a means to keep things nice and tidy in a world that is anything but those things.

I did learn something from this ‘motivational’ speaker. I learned that I am not perfect, that occasionally I do lose my temper with both myself and others. I do sometimes feel overwhelmed and certainly there are days when nothing else will do but for me to cry. In all of this I am still productive, positive, and I am accountable. Are these my endearing qualities? I’ll continue to let my friends assess that for me.

....so I was thinking.....(3)

I came to realize something about myself this week. I hate cellular phones. Actually, truth is, I hate all phones but particularly cellular phones. I long for a time when we did not need to be reachable constantly, homes generally had only one phone located in a central location, and talking in the car, restaurants, while waiting in line, or the bathroom was not deemed acceptable behavior. I will agree that I have reluctantly become the biggest offender of cell phone etiquette and have not found a time or place where I will not answer my phone or a text message. This is a very recent change in my behavior and come as a result of an immediate reaction to an overwhelming desire to remain in constant contact with someone who was serving our country overseas.

What I have always noticed is that when I do miss a call almost invariably the caller attempts to justify the reason that I may not have answered. Some of my personal favorites are (in no particular order), ‘so you must be ignoring me’ or ‘maybe you are in class’ or ‘I guess you are busy.’ One of my least favorites is ‘I guess you are mad at me or dodging my calls.’ To me and my sensibilities that remark is almost calling me a liar. What amazes me is that if the caller’s repeated attempts are not answered, the second or third messages are even more to the point and become more and more accusational and less excusatory.

Much to my dismay, I became a party to this kind of conduct a few nights ago. I was trying to contact someone who is normally always available to me and to my surprise I received their voicemail. Repeatedly, I tried again and again dialing the number too many times during the course of a couple of hours and then I did it….I left the fateful voicemail. Frustration and irritation rang in my voice as I heard myself say, ‘well I guess you are somewhere without your phone, I hope not a hospital. Maybe something happened to you and you can’t get to your phone, or you lost it.’ In my heart I was really saying, ‘he just doesn’t want to talk to me.’ And, that is when I recognized in my own actions what I loathe from others. The guessing game; the not quite, but almost accusation that I was being ignored on purpose. I immediately sent a text message that I was throwing my phone into the trunk of the car and no more insane messages would come forth, along with a sincere apology for being so dreadfully stupid. Thing is, once a voicemail is left, you can not take it back. It lingers in the air like the stench from a cheap cigar for days.

Ironically, on Sunday evening I was watching a series on television where the co-star kept leaving messages on his girlfriends voicemail, each one more bitter and angry than the last, finally culminating in the final straw of ‘you must be out with someone else, so fuck you.’ Fast forward to the next scene and his girlfriend picks up the phone to find him outraged still, tells him she has been at the hospital with a friend, and basically if he is that insecure in their relationship they were done, finished, over. I can see how this could happen in reality as I almost felt these exact thoughts that were being portrayed on the sit-com. I saw the desperation, felt it, and of course, the disappointment of wanting something so badly and not being able to attain it at that precise moment.

We have become a nation of people who are attention deficit because we are consistently bombarded by technology. Phones, Ipods, PDA’s, so called smart-phones which act as small portable computers for internet, music, games, word processing, calendars, emails, and a multitude of any other programs that only a few years ago were dreams of the computer geeks, now millionaires. I dare to raise the question, however, are we really better off with this technology? Have our lives improved as a result or only become more complicated and reliant on batteries being charged and stroking out if we can not immediately speak to whom we want, when we want.

I may hate cellular phones, but even as I write this page my own ‘smart-phone’ lays comfortably beside me. An extra battery is charged and waiting in the secret spot in my backpack just in case it is needed along beside my Ipod. And, if you really want to laugh my all time high for texting, both incoming and outgoing, in one month was just over 10,000 and I regularly text 5000 or more and use more minutes than the Friends and Family plan ever intended. True, I test the unlimited part of my cellular contract on a monthly basis, and so far it has been truly unlimited.

My point in this reflection is to remind not only myself but others that if you receive voicemail try to be cheerful, leave a brief message, and try your best not to jump to conclusions. I’ll try to follow my own advice next time the situation arises as I’m sure it will; after all, I’m really not nearly as important as I believe myself to be!! And, oddly enough although I hate other peoples voicemail I feel no real issue with not answering my own phone and all too often leave it by itself. Maybe I should be more prudent? Naw……I’ll just continue to be me.